Of First Times..

Nostalgic sentimentality-its the fully loaded word in every woman's dictionary...I've always wondered how much the oestrogen levels have to do in blurring our ability to be practical and rational in the face of all adversity.Maybe its this particular gift that we women pride ourselves on possessing that makes us preserve ticket stubs of the first movie we watched with a sweaty handed,acne prone teenaged boy or helps us remember the first time we let a boy put his hands under our shirt....I, for one can vouch for the fact that I ticked off a former boyfriend no end with my constant questions to the effect of "Do you remember when you first started liking me?" or "Did you ever imagine you would date me for one and a half years when you first saw me in sleazy bar with best friend?" and sometimes even going to the extent of "Baby do you remember what I wore the first time we went clubbing as a couple?".The boyfriend humoured me with answers during the initial courtship phase of our relationship, but soon (like most men) retired to dissatisfying monosyllables.How do I ever explain to any man, the excitement a woman feels when she is able to reconstruct an experience that gives her butterflies in the pits of her tummy and reduces her to an idiotically grinning buffoon, all at the same time.It's what keeps the cliched chemistry alive. We need to feel desired and attractive,like we're still capable of keeping you on your toes.The whole world and her sons could wax eloquent on how pretty/hot I looked, but the ultimate compliment that I longed for was a simple"You look nice today",from boyfriendal quarters.
Today, happens to be an all important first time for me. Not only is it my ex boyfriend's birthday, but also marks the first birthday of his that I'm not celebrating with him since the two year period that I have known him.
I'm not going to lie to you and say our relationship was a bed of roses and everything was hunky dory, hell I happen to be one of those fools who is adept in glossing over the bad times.So I am now an expert in remembering the way he would bring his mother's khichdi for me in little steel dhabbas when I was a starving hostelite or how he waited for me at the airport for three nights in a row in the wee hours of the morning as he was unsure as to when exactly I was flying in;as opposed to how I was talked into delivering oral favours on said person's birthday two years ago and had my neck scratched up by him in a particularly violent bout,not to mention being abandoned at the same airport at two in the morning.The wounds though well on their way to being healed,are still fresh, and so I keep being patient with myself,in much the same manner one would benevolently look upon a colicky baby.
On the eve of his birthday,last night,I found myself wishing him a really good birthday and year ahead and telepathically communicating a silent message across to him.I've never been one of those vengeful people, and although he seems to be okay with having erased me from his life and facebook list,I can't.I'm the girl who always needs to tie up loose ends,end things smoothly and seeks closure, but I'm finally coming to terms with the fact that sometimes you can't always iron the creases out. Do NOT mistake this as meaning that I long for a reunion a la Hollywood,but it's just that I'm stubbornly going to take my own time to be okay with the situation.
A cousin of mine explained the interesting concept of the existence of a "pain body" within all of us, to me a few months ago,when I had been freshly scarred by the abrupt ending of my relationship.It made a lot of sense,even to a person like me who's always looked down on these psychologically perfect answers handed out to us by people who seem to have solutions to all of life's trying questions.Apparently just as much as happy endorphins are addictive to all of us, we get off equally on plunging into the depths of despair, and maybe, my cousin reasoned, THIS is what made me long for ex.I was going through a particularly rough phase,having chucked up college and ex(who we shall now refer to as L) was the perfect excuse to pin all my sorrows to, because let's face it I had let go of him emotionally a long,long time ago,not to mention the fact that I had cheated on him several times during the course of our togetherness.What made me upset was the fact that he(who everybody knew had always been much more into me,and I'm not just saying this),had without prior notice broken off all links with me.It still is too painful for me to get into detailed narrations about, but this retrospective exercise was done chiefly for the purpose of marking another First Time milestone in my life.Its the First Time I'm going to be excluded from his future birthdays,and it makes me a little sad but thats just my painbody AboobackerPokrankutty playing up :) Today is also the first time in a long time that I accidentally stumbled upon pictures of L, and I found myself flinching because as always the sudden sight of his face,surprises me and almost reminds me of his existence.This,perhaps, is what is the most painful, because not so very long ago, I could tell you about his three different smiles, the way his ears looked funny from behind,how his toenails were perfect and clean,the way his forehead had three "Brahmin" lines as I liked to refer to them,and the way he liked to sleep almost annoyingly facing me(which was a reason for alot of fights ,me being the kind who preferred being spooned).I wonder if he's already found somebody to replace me, who will in time learn these things about him and if he will fight with her too over the cheesiest part of a sandwich or learn to share his food graciously!
Wherever you are (and I'm sure it involves a lot of drunkenness and weed induced happiness) here's genuinely wishing you a very very happy birthday L. As the clock strikes midnight today,my only hope is that for a moment you can close your eyes,put everything behind and remember the birthdays you and I have shared together.
Lots and lots of love x